


The Blue-Eyed Baboon: The Daily Mail Exclusive

by christinefromsherwood



Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [1]
Category: James Bond (Craig movies)
Genre: A Daily Mail article, Crack, Fake News - Freeform, Fluff and Crack, M/M, about the assassin Blue-Eyed Baboon, and a Netflix documentary subtitle transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:53:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23525680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/christinefromsherwood/pseuds/christinefromsherwood
Summary: AN EXCLUSIVE LEAK OF A SCALDING HOT NEW NETFLIX DOCUMENTARYNeighbour Atkinson reveals the Baboon’s shocking secret.Neighbour Bird showed his anguish in detailing a ghastly encounter with the Baboon.Neighbour Curry admitted to insomnia due to stress related to the Baboon.Watch more onA Monkey Business: The Truth About the Blue-Eyed Baboon, A Netflix Documentary! Airs on April 10th, 2020And James Bond thought him ending up on the news when he blew up that Embassy was bad! Now his name is everywhere and they even made a Netflix documentary about him.
Relationships: James Bond/Q
Series: MI6 Cafe April 2020 Challenge [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1692931
Comments: 15
Kudos: 22
Collections: Mi6 Cafe Prompt Fills





	The Blue-Eyed Baboon: The Daily Mail Exclusive

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the **MI6CafeChallenge: Choose Your Own Adventure April** , _  
> #5 Scaramanga’s Revenge - “Write in a style new to you” ___  
> This is a tabloid article ala The Daily Mail and a subtitle transcript of an “Investigative” “Thoughtprovoking” “Controversial” Netflix documentary.  
>  It also fills the prompt 101, 007 Fest 2018 from the [Anon Prompt Exchange list](https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1LwtIoqppLgPC3D0bJ5HF7ZcIJEnNgGmQcm21977FGJc/edit#gid=113302778&range=A101)  
> 
> 
> ####  _I formatted it as a MailOnline article, so if you want to see it in its full glory, check out my Tumblr post[here.](https://christinefromsherwood.tumblr.com/post/614724120366710784/written-for-the-mi6cafechallenge-choose-your-own)_
> 
>   
> 

  
  
  
  
  
  
[transcript of the pictures]

#  “HIS EYES GAVE ME THE CREEPS!”: EMOTIONAL NEIGHBOURS REVEAL HOW LIVING NEXT TO THE INFAMOUS BLUE-EYED BABOON GAVE THEM NIGHTMARES EVERY NIGHT IN A NEW HOT NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY

  * AN EXCLUSIVE LEAK OF A SCALDING HOT NEW NETFLIX DOCUMENTARY
  * Neighbour Atkinson reveals the Baboon’s shocking secret.
  * Neighbour Bird showed his anguish in detailing a ghastly encounter with the Baboon.
  * Neighbour Curry admitted to insomnia due to stress related to the Baboon.
  * Watch more on _A Monkey Business: The Truth About the Blue-Eyed Baboon_ , A Netflix Documentary! Airs on April 10th, 2020



It was the Daily Mail who first reported on sightings of a black-clad figure, climbing the houses of Pimlico like a monkey. 

###  “There was BLOOD all over his shirt and on HIS TEETH,” says Mr. Bird, neighbour.

Now we bring our readers an EXCLUSIVE PEEK into the new Netflix documentary: A MONKEY BUSINESS: THE TRUTH ABOUT THE BLUE-EYED BABOON. 

###  “Blue-Eyed Baboon?! Blue-eyed demon more like!” The Baboon’s former neighbours are shocked and outraged. 

The subtitle transcript pages were leaked to The Daily Mail by an anonymous source within Netflix!

> ##  Baboon Interviews With Neighbours In Full
> 
> The neighbours of The Blue-Eyed Baboon were interviewed for the Netflix documentary, giving searingly honest interviews.
> 
> ###  Here is the exclusive leaked extract of the transcript of the 2-hour documentary. 
> 
> _ David Tennant (narrator) _ : Forty-year-old Mark Frith had thought the night of November 11th just like any other when he settled in with his binoculars and a camera for his regular two hours of owl-spotting in his flat on Warwick Square, London.
> 
> [OWL HOOT]
> 
> _ Mark Frith _ : I always have my camera ready, just in case. You see, you never know when you might see a beautiful new specimen, and I was quite anxious to spot a long-eared owl that my neighbour Vincent reported hearing the night before.
> 
> _ Narrator: _ But it wasn’t a long-eared owl that Mark ended up recording that day.
> 
> _ Frith _ : I settle in, pour myself a glass of port, and hit play on my audiobook, and then through the trees, I saw it. A blooming monkey! [chuckles] Or so I thought at the time. 
> 
> [BABOON SCREECH]
> 
> _ Narrator: _ The beginnings of this story are, indeed, quite amusing. Unbeknownst to Mark, however, things were about to take a much more sinister turn.
> 
> _ Frith _ : Well, you saw the picture! What else was I supposed to think? Big ears, climbing up the eaves, bare derriere plainly in view… That’s a blooming baboon. I took a picture and went to call London Zoo.
> 
> _ Narrator:  _ Mark’s picture has since taken the internet by storm. As we now know, London Zoo was not missing an animal and when Mark examined the photo closer, he realised that he had actually taken a picture of a man. Dubbed The Blue-Eyed Baboon by the major news sites due to the split-second reflection of blue eyes that was fortuitously caught on camera.
> 
> [OMINOUS MUSIC]
> 
> _ Anna Curry (a neighbour): _ I thought me heart was done for when I turned on This Morning! I says to Harry: “Why, that’s our house what Schofield’s looking at!” Blue-Eyed Baboon?! Blue-eyed demon more like! 
> 
> _ Narrator:  _ Anna Curry is not alone in her resentment. Because challenges to “Find the Baboon” in Facebook groups and on sites like Reddit soon revealed that this was not the case of a mere burglar.
> 
> _ Interviewer _ : Did anything give away the fact that your neighbour James Bond was an assassin?
> 
> _ Terence Atkinson (neighbour) _ : Jim? No, not Jim. I've met him. He used to be in the Navy, you know. Good lad. Great neighbour. Really quiet. Almost never there actually, but when we did speak, he always said hello, you know? Nah, not Jim.
> 
> [ A CLASSICAL RENDITION OF  _ BAD TO THE BONE _ STARTS TO PLAY]
> 
> _ Narrator:  _ Bond, James Bond was born 11th November 1968 at Skyfall Lodge in Lochaber, Scotland. After being orphaned at the age of 9, little James went to live with his aunt in France. Separated from his parents and the only place he knew, the troubled boy ran away and joined a travelling circus. There he learned and honed his skills as a trapeze artist, appearing in shows across the whole continent with his act The Flying Fox. 
> 
> [CIRCUS CROWD APPLAUDS]
> 
> Afterwards, he served in the Royal Navy, quickly rising through the ranks. But he didn’t stay in the Navy long and soon all trace of him disappears. It is unclear when exactly James Bond decided to earn his living in more unsavoury ways.
> 
> [OMINOUS MUSIC] [JUNGLE SOUNDS]
> 
> _ Curry: _ Blue-Eyed Baboon?! Blue-eyed demon more like! To think we’ve been living for ten years next to that monster and never knew! I tell you I haven’t been able to close me eyes at night since!
> 
> _ Atkinson: _ Nonsense, Jim is a good egg. He even came by to help me with my butterfly collection when that niece of mine made a mess of it!
> 
> _ Aloysius Bird (neighbour): _ Terry will go on about his butterfly collection but who’s to say why he really came in. Maybe he was casing the place to rob it later! 
> 
> _ Narrator:  _ Who’s to say indeed. It appears that Mr. Atkinson is alone in being willing to give James Bond the benefit of the doubt. His disappearing act even before his moonlit climb on the eaves on his own house went viral does nothing to assuage the fears of his former neighbours.
> 
> _ Bird: _ He was coming to kill us, I’m sure. I once met him at 4 in the morning. Mary Puppins needed her walk earlier that day. [shudders visibly] There was BLOOD all over his shirt and on HIS TEETH when he smiled at me and said: “Good morning.” I don’t remember what I did but I bought Mary Puppins her litter mat straight after. Never, never again! 
> 
> _ Curry: _ I always knew there was something wrong with him! It was the eyes, innit. His eyes gave me the creeps! 
> 
> _ Atkinson: _ Aaaaah, they’re all a bunch of idjits. That night Bird saw him, Jim was probably coming back from that pretty fella of his. Sometimes people cut themselves shaving! And I’d bet it was his blue eyes that won over his man. Jim is a good-looking lad, but that fella of his is a good deal younger and prettier. 
> 
> _ Interviewer:  _ Are you… are you saying James Bond has a boyfriend?
> 
> _ Atkinson: _ Ha! Boyfriend! Jim lived above me, you know, and they would bicker like an old-married couple. 
> 
> _ Interviewer: _ You seem determined to think the best of James Bond. But how do you explain him climbing the building that night?
> 
> _ Atkinson: _ Before, you told me Jim was born on the 11th? In November? 
> 
> _ Interviewer: _ ...yes
> 
> _ Atkinson: _ Why, it was the lad’s birthday! He must have gone out and got gazeboed and forgotten his keys! [scoffs] Assassin my foot!
> 
> _ Narrator: _ The worries of James Bond’s other neighbours don’t seem so groundless when one considers the name James Bond next resurfaced in Montenegro on the same night multiple murders occurred in the same hotel he was checked in [END OF EXCLUSIVE LEAKED PAGES]

##  “I always knew he wasn’t quite right,” reveals Baboon’s former shipmate, Hunsworth Furrington-Gearms III.

Daily Mail have managed to secure AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW with the man who knew James Bond, AKA the Blue-Eyed Baboon the best. His former shipmate Hunsworth Furrington-Gearms III reveals all!


End file.
